To achieve sexual fulfilment in your relationship, you must maintain a healthy, positive attitude about making love.
Your sexual pleasure is not a gift that your lover gives you. You must recognize your own body’s tremendous capacity for sexual pleasure and give yourself permission to enjoy it.
When you understand your own sexuality fully and know that your pleasure is not the responsibility of your partner, you can begin to fully recognize the conditions under which you can let go; to be in touch with the ways you need to be stimulated for arousal and orgasm to occur.
Allow yourself to be sexual. Embrace all the sexual knowledge you can and learn to be at ease with your sexuality. When the desire to have an orgasm is present, it is frustrating not to, not to mention the toll that not reaching climax takes on your psyche, sleep, complexion, sense of humor and everyone’s ego (yours and his, unless you have an agreement not to or to take turns).
Some women never have an orgasm. Doctors say about 30% do not. Some women can only achieve orgasm when they are alone. If you know how to brush your teeth, listen to the radio or wave “bye, bye,” you are in the 70% who can learn how to have an orgasm.
Why is masturbation taboo?
There are several reasons you may want to try. To pleasure yourself when you prefer to experience solo sex without your partner and to discover how to reach orgasm so you can teach your lover to touch you in the ways you need to be touched so you can reach orgasm when together.
The percentages are getting higher. Statistics reveal that more women than ever are letting their fingers do the walking. It is an excellent way to “know thyself.” Masturbation is often an embarrassing-to-admit and sensually pleasurable solo activity.
To some, it is a sexual taboo. To the sexually liberated, it is a way to enhance sex with their partners because they self-stimulate, a sort of priming the pump.
Masturbatory orgasms tend to be more intense, with more distinct sensations of contraction and release than orgasms reached during intercourse. You can come more quickly than with your partner, taking as little as one fifth of the time.
Why? You know your body. You know precisely what to do to arouse yourself to reach this erotic state, how much pressure to apply and specifically where to apply it. When you reach solo orgasms you are more focused; you enjoy the sensations of the moment.
Sexual satisfaction for women
The search for orgasm with your lover will be quite different. The process to climax may be prolonged by the presence of your lover in that now there are two people who are searching for the same pleasure. It can be distracting.
This is why knowing what pleases you can is so important. Sharing your orgasmic secrets with your lover is a turn-on for him. Acknowledge this as an ingredient of foreplay. Let him know how important it is for you to be allowed to become fully aroused BEFORE he enters you.
Exercise your right to slow things down. Make sure your partner knows that even though you may be willing to be the receptacle for his pleasure, he must reciprocate. Show him how. Demonstrate.
There is no shame in not reaching orgasm during intercourse. However, the act of making love should be no less pleasurable for you if you do not.
Some doctors suggest that masturbation can increase your sexual appetite. There is no medical evidence that self-gratification is bad for you unless it is done to an excess or you do it in lieu of making love with your partner.
Women who practice solo sex see themselves as entitled to sexual pleasure, which heightens their self-esteem.
There is no wrong or right way to do it. Some women use a vibrator to stimulate the vagina while stroking or massaging the area surrounding the clitoris with their fingers with varying pressure.
Circular motions, rubbing up and down one side or the other seem to be the preferred method. Finger motion generally becomes more intense until orgasm.
Handheld pulsating shower heads with adjustable water pressure, water jets and the bubbles of hot tubs provide variety for genital stimulation.
If you find that orgasms are easy to achieve during masturbation and virtually nonexistent during intercourse, ask your lover to tease and please you while you are making love.
After considerable foreplay, begin masturbating until you feel you are about to reach orgasm, then allow your partner to enter you while you continue to masturbate. Never assume that his penis alone will do the trick.
For most men just knowing that you are uninhibited enough to help yourself to ecstasy in this way is a red hot turn-on. This could be the time to celebrate simultaneous orgasms with your love partner.
Picture this: two lovers, sexually alive, writhing in ecstasy as your mutual orgasms surge to a powerful crescendo. Orgasmic unison can only lead to a very wet conclusion. The greatest orgasmic success can be reached when you feel most secure with your own sexuality and with a partner you trust.
Being a sexually satisfied woman calls for sharing your sexual needs with your partner and being willing to experiment with him in ways that satisfy both of you.
It is okay to play with fire in the bedroom! Making love is an honest expression of how you feel toward each other. Set off some fireworks!
By Larry James
© Larry James. Reprinted with permission. – This article is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.”Last modified: July 8, 2021